Marge’s Official Guide to Not Spiraling
(Or at least slowing the descent while keeping your cool and your hoodie intact)
Pep Talk from Marge
(Certified Reaper (in training), Best known for losing her scythe and cutting off her own shadow once)
Sometimes mortals think because I carry a scythe I automatically know what I’m doing. My brother wouldn’t believe I have things together though. Not after that time I lost my scythe for three days and found it hanging on a cemetery gate above a pile of kettle corn crumbs (Ok fine! I was eating kettle corn, but in my defense I almost failed Blade Mastery that day).
Also, one time on a mission, I panicked so badly I cut off my own shadow. It took me and my brother forever to find starlight thread to sew it back on. And the whole time in the back of my head I kept thinking my dad would be so dissapointed he’d wish he adopted a different daughter. So trust me when I say I know a thing or two about spiraling.
The thing nobody tells you is that spirals don’t always look dramatic. Sometimes they look like staring at your homework for an hour. Or rereading the same text message seventeen times. Or convincing yourself everyone secretly hates you because you used a period instead of an exclamation point.
Being overwhelmed and trapped in a mind loop of your own making. It usually just means you’re human, or in my case, a partially sleep-deprived grim reaper in training in need of an emotional support puppy.
My mom has vetoed the puppy. Hence, I have made an officially unofficial guide to interrupting the spiral before it drags you into the emotional sewer.
Step 1: Breathe.
No, seriously. Stop scrolling the news cycle of death and whatever doomsday prophecies keep popping up on your phone. Unclench your jaw and un-hunch those shoulders.
Inhale deeply. Now exhale like some gracious god set your to-do list on fire freeing you of all responsibilites.
Congratulations! You’ve already done more than expected.
Step 2: Name What’s Going On (Out Loud if You’re Brave)
Try this:
“I am overwhelmed with work, haven’t gotten eight hours of sleep in months, can’t believe I overcommitted agian, and I’m very tempted to eat chips in bed while ignoring the e-mails floodign my inbox.”
Congratulations again. You’re at an all time high for awareness. At this point you're basically a sage.
Step 3: Lower the Bar (Like... so low you could trip over it)
Let’s be real your entire life won’t be solved before 3pm. In terms of tasks let’s try “drink some water” or “open one email without tearing up and debating my career choices.”
That’s grit in action.
Step 4: Remember, You’re Not the Problem.
Spirals lie. They say you’re the broken thing, and then try to get you to fix yourself.
I’m surrounded by my dad’s broken expectations which usually leads to extra scythe drills and a ton of broken sleep cycles.
But You? You’re a whole gosh darn miracle trying to exist in a world that would rather be fake on Facebook than talk with real people.
Big difference.
Step 5: Call Me (Metaphorically)
Not because I’ll fix it. But because I’ll sit next to you (don’t worry I’ll leave my scythe outside) and say:
“You’re not even close to being a failure. Most likely you’re just in need of a nap. And also: have you eaten anything besides gummy worms?”
Final Step: Don’t Spiral Alone.
Even if it’s just reading this. Or if it’s just knowing that somewhere in the afterlife, a 12-year-old reaper in training is cheering you on with a scythe in one hand and kettle corn in the other while she stomps on her to-do list.
You’re still here and still trying to make the world a better place, which means you’re gonna outlast the spiral.
With love,
Marge Riper
(Grim Reaper in Training, Certified Spiral Interrupter)
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