Ossie’s Officially Unapproved Guide to Surviving Group Projects (Without Turning to Necromancy)

Brought to you by a disembodied skull who once ran a group project entirely by glaring at people until they cried.

If you’re here I’m assuming you’ve been assigned a group project.
Let’s be honest…you didn’t ask for this. You didn’t summon it.
And yet here it is—like a cursed relic from the Hall of Bad Decisions.

STEP 1: Accept That You Are Now a Manager

No one will read the instructions.
No one will meet the deadline.
Someone will say, “Wait, we had homework?” five minutes before the presentation.

Congratulations. You are now the project lead.
(Or the emotional support skull. Same vibe.)

STEP 2: Assign Roles Based on Vibes and Survival

You, the Overachiever: slides, structure, moral despair.
Them, the Vanisher: pretend they’re doing “research.”
The Wildcard: give them something flashy and non-lethal.
The One Who Always Has Snacks: guard them with your (undead) life. They are the one hope you have.

Pro tip: Always have a backup plan. Preferably one that does not involve summoning Shakespeare’s ghost to do the script.

STEP 3: Set a Deadline They’ll Miss On Time

If the project is due Friday, tell the group it’s due Wednesday.
That way when they turn things in late Thursday night, you look prepared, and you can breathe a sigh of relief.
This is called strategic pessimism. Ossie™-certified.

STEP 4: Communicate Like You’re Haunting Them

Feel free to use a group chat, sticky notes, carrier raven.
Whatever it takes.
I suggest using phrases like:

• “Just circling back before we descend into chaos.”

• “Gentle reminder that this is worth 30% of our grade and my entire will to live.”

• “If you ghost me, I will literally out-ghost you and haunt your family.”

STEP 5: Present With Confidence (and Selective Amnesia)

Even if your group slides look like they were designed by caffeinated raccoons, once it is time to show your teacher (or your boss) the final output walk in like you’re defending a doctoral thesis at the Gates of the Underworld.

And if someone starts their part with, “So I didn’t really get to finish this but—”
Just smile.
Nod.
And let the spiritual detachment wash over you like a cold mist from the archives. It’s not your fault they have no idea what’s going on, and it’s too late to do anything now.

Final Thought From the Velvet Pillow:

You will survive this.
By the end you may be slightly unhinged and emotionally dehydrated, but you will survive.

And if all else fails?
Fake a power outage. Hide in the archives.
Pretend you were never assigned to the group in the first place.

(That’s my move. Works at least three times a century.)

—Ossie
(Eternal group project veteran. Never credited. Always fabulous.)

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