Ossie’s Officially Unapproved Guide to Surviving Group Projects (Without Turning to Necromancy)
Brought to you by a skull perched on a green velvet pillow in the Archives who once ran a group project entirely by glaring at people until they cried.
If you’re here I’m assuming you’ve been assigned a group project.
Let’s be honest…you didn’t ask for this. You didn’t summon it.
And yet here it is. Everyone knows groups projects are worse than those cursed relics from the Hall of Bad Decisions they make the grim reapers in training clean. Don’t worry I am here to help you survive this. Follow this fool-proof plan.
STEP 1: Accept That You Are Now a Manager
Not matter how many e-mails you send, no one will read the instructions.
On top of this even if you add the due dates to everyone’s google calendars, no one will meet the deadline. If you don’t pull your hair out when someone says, “Wait, we had homework?” five minutes before the presentation….Congratulations. You are now the project manager and lead.
(Or the emotional support skull. Same vibe.)
STEP 2: Assign Roles Based on Vibes and Survival
You must take the role of the Overachiever. Your responsibility is slides, finding the rubric, coordinating schedules, and moral despair.
The one who is absent every other class. They are the Vanisher. Whenever they finally answer your call they’ll say their doing “research.”
There’s always the Wildcard. Just give them something flashy and non-lethal. Try assigning them an introduction section and something you already know how to fix once they get it wrong.
And my favorite…the One Who Always Has Snacks. You must guard them with your (undead) life. They are the only hope you have.
Pro tip: Always have a backup plan. Preferably one that does not involve summoning Shakespeare’s ghost to do the script. That guy is terrible with deadlines and writing anything where people stay alive.
STEP 3: Set a Deadline They’ll Miss On Time
If the project is due Friday, tell the group it’s due Wednesday. That way when they turn things in late Thursday night, you look prepared, and you can breathe a sigh of relief.
This is called strategic pessimism. Ossie™-certified.
STEP 4: Communicate Like You’re Haunting Them
Feel free to use a group chat, e-mail, phone calls, sticky notes, carrier raven, or my favorite…glitter canons.
Seriously…you must do whatever it takes.
I suggest using phrases like:
“Just circling back before we descend into chaos.”
“Gentle reminder that this is worth 30% of our grade and my entire will to live.”
“If you ghost me, I will literally out-ghost you and haunt your family.”
STEP 5: Present With Confidence (and Selective Amnesia)
Even if your group slides look like they were designed by caffeinated raccoons, once it is time to show your teacher (or your boss) the final output walk in like you’re defending a doctoral thesis at the Gates of the Underworld.
And if someone starts their part with, “So I didn’t really get to finish this but—”
Just smile and nod. Let the spiritual detachment wash over you like a cold mist from the Archives. It’s not your fault they have no idea what’s going on, and it’s honestly way too late to do anything now.
Final Thought From the Velvet Pillow:
You will survive this. By the end you may be slightly unhinged and emotionally dehydrated, but you will survive.
And if all else fails? Fake a power outage or hide out in with the singing books in the Archives.
Better yet, pretend you were never assigned to the group in the first place and change schools.
(That’s my move. Works at least three times a century.)
—Ossie
(Eternal group project veteran. Never credited. Always fabulous.)
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