Ossie’s Officially Unapproved Guide to Time Management via Controlled Avoidance
TLDR: Avoid everything… strategically.
Welcome, fellow avoiders.
If you're here, it's probably because your computer’s got seventeen tabs open, a to-do list long enough to re-wrap a mummy, and exactly zero desire to engage with any of it.
Fantastic. You are most certainly in the right place.
Let me start by saying this: Avoidance gets a terrible rap.
Mortals act like it's laziness in a trench coat, sneaking around productivity like a suspicious raccoon.
But I say—why dash into chaos when you can sidestep that beast with flair?
Step 1: Accept That You Are Actively Avoiding Things
Say it with me:
“I am avoiding things.”
Good job. You saying that out loud means you have awareness. You’re already doing better than most overachievers who are one spreadsheet away from spontaneous combustion.
Now, before you get crazy with your calendar’s delete button I must remind you to not avoid everything with reckless abandon. That’s how feelings pile up and start monologuing.
What we’re aiming for is controlled avoidance: the art of dodging what can wait, while still technically functioning in society.
Step 2: Categorize Your Avoidance
Tier 1: Necessary Delays
Emails that require actual thought
Making phone calls (who does that anymore?)
Emotional processing of any kind
Tier 2: Optional Evictions
Overcommitting to things you didn’t really have a desire to do in the first place
“Quick chats” that are really time vortexes and meetings that could be emails
Reorganizing your grief drawer
Tier 3: Avoid at Your Own Risk
Taxes
Important soul tether maintenance
Watering your plants and feeding your dog (they miss you)
Step 3: Redirect With Style
When someone asks “Did you finish that thing?” say: “I’m deeply in the strategy phase.”
When your brain says “We should panic,” reply: “Let’s reschedule that for 2am. Preferably after a nap.”
You’re not procrastinating. You’re marinating.
In your thoughts. In your couch. In the sacred art of stillness with Wi-Fi (as long as there is no doom-scrolling).
Step 4: Reward Partial Progress
Did you open the doc? Amazing!
Did you think about the task while staring at the ceiling? Stunning!
Did you do the dishes to avoid doing the dishes of your soul? Still counts.
Controlled avoidance means you’re choosing your battles.
And deciding to choose rest, sanity, or emotional digestion?
That’s wisdom, not weakness.
Final Words from the Pillow
At some point, yes, you’ll have to do what ever thing we left for later.
But not this moment. Not while your skull is buzzing and your soul feels like static.
Right now, I suggest sipping something warm and googling "how long can someone stare at the wall before becoming a mirror.”
In conclusion:
Avoid intentionally. Delay like a legend. And when you’re ready to work—come back with your mind sharper than a scythe.
Or at least, slightly less tired.
Time bends. You don’t have to.
– Yours evasively,
Ossie
Chronically undead. Occasionally productive. Always watching, rarely blinking.
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